Maureen's journey: Friendship the verb

I met my  friend Maureen several years ago, when I moved my private practice into the Nusbaum entrepreneur incubator.  We became instant friends who bonded over being single mothers, entrepreneurs, and minority business owners in male dominated industries.  We talked shop, we strategized business, we share parenting woes, and dating woes, and goals.  We kept each other accountable and supported each other as we grew our businesses.  Since that time we have lost touch, reconnected on social media, lost touch again and ran into each other in a random store.  But the one thing that has remained constant is our bond of  friendship.  It is amazing to me how even after not seeing each other  for several years we  just  flowed back into our friendship when we ran into each other.  Good day, bad day, weak or strong Mo has my back and vice versa.  She once told me if you fight this cancer in the physical realm, I will fight it in the spiritual realm for you!  I know I am prayed up because many people have sent up prayers  for me and I have a good  friend / prayer warrior who is guarding me.  I hope you enjoy reading about mo's  journey as much as I enjoyed capturing it.

Champion: what was your first reaction to hearing I have cancer?

Maureen:  for me I  felt when we ran into each other I  felt something was wrong but I didn't want to guess or think.  So when you told me, my first thought was, it's got to die! There is no room for three, this uninvited guest is trying to come into our friendship and it has got to go.  I felt I had to protect you, forget the Arlene who can take care of herself and hold it down.  I'm going to protect her.  I was justifying stuff in my head and lining up all my weapons that I'm going to use to help you fight.  I want to choke it out!  I want to drown it! I want to do all the things I fear most to cancer!  I want to kill it in the worse way possible, so that it knows not to back and it won't have power.  I ain't going to quit so I go to war, despite the numbers or fear my feet will not be moved!  Cancer is offensive and it offended my friend and that offends me.

Champion: Dang, that's funny, cause you are usually the calm one and I'm the punch em in the throat one.  

Maureen:  It made me mad!

Champion:  I know right?  So how did you transition to a caregiver?

Maureen:' I pray for all the pieces that affect your outcome, like the researchers, the oncologist, the pharmaceutical companies, the nurses and everyone that impacts you defeating cancer.  I feel like that way I'm doing my part. Getting information by talking to you and going to cancer classes and events with you helps me know what my weapons are and helps me fight for you.  

Champion:  So are there any tips you have for oh her caregivers?

Maureen: Be the friend you have always been, and be true to you.  

Champion:  good advice, what about for champions?


Maureen:  encourage others them to help, and ensure them that they are doing ok.

Champion:  Thanks girl, for doing this and...

Maureen:  you welcome girl.  

The end.

Donna's journey: A friendship that will never end

Remember when you didn't like me cause you thought I was stuck up?  You were stuck up with your AKA jacket and light eyes, you didn't even speak to me.  Girl, I didn't even know you. Hello, Midwestern people don't walk up to strangers and start talking lol.  This is a common commentary between me and one of my closest friends Donna.  That and who has the better tan.  We have come a long way in our friendship.  I consider her more like family than friend and I am waiting for my adoption papers from her family.  Her aunts are hilarious and always make me and Ceara feel like family.  Her dad has graciously offered to pick me up from chemo and fixed my pluming and loaned me tools, and her cousins well they are like the cousins I had ( forever pranking, cracking jokes, but ride with you through anything). Thanks Chris for helping me move ce into her dorms in the mountains, forget about a sorry man with a good movie and duces jokes, and for all the meals and games you invited me to, even the one were you guys mistook me, Donna,and others for sweat towels, yuck! 

Champion:  what was your first reaction when you heard me say I have cancer?

Donna:  my first reaction was shock, then disbelief. This is my friend and she has been going through so much already and now this, really?  After the shock wore off I just wanted information so I could help.  I just made up my mind not to treat you different, and to just be there for you.  It's hard cause want to be able to take you to treatment but I can't because of my job.  I want to be there for you but I don't want to make you sick, like when I got shingles when I wanted to visit you, but I feel like I'm not there for you.

Champion: I don't feel that way, you still have to work and I don't expect people to drop their life to wait on me.  Plus with my immune system or lack of, people just can't be around sometimes, sucks but it is what it is.  

Donna:  I know

Champion:  so, how did you transition from shock to caregiver.

Donna:  you are my friend, so I'm always going to be there for you.  When you find friends like that you keep them in your life.  So for me there was no transition.  

Champion: Has my diagnosis changed you in any way?

Donna:  It made me more aware and more proactive in letting people I love know that I love them.  I am going to get a mammogram now too! 

Champion: I'm glad to hear that.  Any tips for other caregivers?

Donna: 1. Don't change how you treat them

             2. Just be their Sister, friend ...

             3. Don't change the relationship

Champion: Any tips for champions?  

Donna: let people in.

The end

Dom's Journey: A teenage perspective

Dominique is the daughter of one of my closes friends, who 's story you will see in a later post.  She is a bright and insightful teenager that is a beast on any sports field, but especially on a basketball court.  I have had the fortune of knowing Dom since she was a little girl, who blew my mind by eating a quarter pounder meal at age seven or eight, when I couldn't even do it as an adult.  Over the 10 years I have known her she has been my road buddy when her mother tortured us on road trips with non- stop prince songs and eating dairy, she has been my movie pal, my music guide and my relevance mentor(she keeps me up to date on the world for people under thirty). This has helped me relate to my young clients and to my daughter.  She has shared YouTube videos, basketball games, heartaches, jokes, pranks, clothes, and her family with me so when I wanted a teen perspective for my blog the only logical choice was Dom. As your join my conversation with her, you may forget she is only fifteen, I know I did a few times.  

Champion: thanks for doing this for me Dom, but you know you don't have to if it's too much.  

Dom:  it's ok.  

Champion:  ok, well, the first question is what was it like when you heard I had cancer?

Dom: I didn't want to believe it.  It took me a minute for me to grasp it.  It was kind of like I was in shock.  

Champion: so when did you come out of shock and it become real?

Dom: when I saw you go to the doctor in chapel hill it was really real. But when I saw you and my mom talking about it, it made me want to ask a bunch of questions.  My main question was why, but no one can answer that one.

Champion: (chuckle) me too,Dom.  So even though you saw the surgery scars and tubes it took you going to the doctors visit for it to be really real?

Dom: yea after the doctors visit it was really real.

Champion: funny, But you are right there is no answer for the why?  So, has my diagnosis changed you?

Dom: yes, I take life more seriously, and I live life to the fullest cause you never know what can happen.  

Champion:  true, so any tips for other teenagers who may know someone with cancer? 

Dom: have a friend and talk about it.  You can always pray about it too.  Research it and ask your questions.

Champion:  what about for champions or anything you wish I had known.

Dom: the same tips.  I wish you had known how to prevent it!

Champion:  me too.  Thanks for doing this for me. 

Dom: no problem

Champion:  so do you want the update on treatment

Dom: yea.

The end!

  How was that for a cliff hanger, blog walkers?

I am my sisters keeper: Sadiyah's journey

Welcome back blog walkers.  Now that you have read Ceara's journey as a cancer supporter, here is the second post of the care givers series.  This post gives you a sisters journey.  My sister gave me a thank you gift, a while ago, that said friends are chosen sisters are God given.  I still have that gift on my mantle today.  It serves as one of the many reminders I have of  how rich in people I am.   My family have been a strong support for me since the start of this journey.  My sister Sadiyah and I have always been very close.  Sometimes to the dismay of others.  We have often joked in our daily times 2 or 4 conversations how we are best friends who happen to share blood. My daughter often jokes about our frequent phone calls since we live in  separate states.  So our bond has never been a question,  but since the diagnosis it has grown stronger. She has been my confidant , my bodyguard,  my nurse, my therapist, conscience, my overseer, my chauffeur, and a host of other roles I never thought I would need but did.  So if you know a care giver for some one with cancer or any illness give them a break and a hug if they are not Northern/ Midwestern and opposed to affection from strangers( just kidding, I think) they have a lot on their plates and deserve the break and love.  My sister chose to drive 6 hours round trip to take me to appointments and surgeries,which were at times an additional 3 hours drive.  She sat in uncomfortable small spaces to be with me while I had treatment.  She heard machines beeping and alarms sounding, entertained me and keep me from snapping out as they stuck me nine times trying to get an IV line in (have a slight fear of the N word I do) and then froze in a recover room with me while starving cause they're lock you in the hospital after a certain time and they don't feed guest.  She also made sure I took my meds and ate when I was so exhausted all I could do was swallow what she brought to me, then go right back to sleep.  She snitched on me so that my other sisters checked on me when it was needed and she went commando on my oncologist when I was sick, and she didn't think the doctor was listening to her concerns.  She did all of this while learning a new job, parenting two teenagers, and a toddler with special needs, helping emotionally with our mother who has Alzheimer's, and being a supportive wife to a doctor in his fellowship years.  Whew!  I'm tired just typing about her life.   I hope you walking a mile in her  shoes is informative and helps you in some way.  Bon apatite!

Champion:  So what was it like when you heard I had cancer?

Sadiyah: when I heard you had cancer everything from before flashed in front of me.

Champion:  what does that mean?

Sadiyah: I thought of all the stuff that had led up to it like the jokes about the boob bruise.  The questions about self checks strange how I had just picked up a self check shower hanger, how you had noticed some strange changes.  My mind just kept replaying conversations related to breast cancer and that helped me be halfway prepared, and not feel like it came from so fair out in left field.

Champion: Im sorry about asking him not to tell you but I needed processing time and I needed his medical knowledge to help me process. He did ask me if I was trying to get him divorced at the time.  How did you transition to caregiver?

Sadiyah: I almost hurt your brother-in-law for keeping it secret at your request. But, I just focus less on me and more on how to help you. " I just wanted to keep things "normal" and not get weird.  I wanted to keep our relationship that we had.  I did what I would normally do.  I joked just like normal, I didn't walk on egg shells, I relied on you when I needed to talk just like I always do.  I call you to vent just like normal.  I wanted to get you through the unfamiliar, I didn't want you to go through the unknown alone.  I knew then I could be a phone support. I didn't halve time to react in a way that may make you fall apart.  I tried to react in a way that would make you fight. Being depressed and falling apart is typically my last resort.  Usually I have worn myself to a nub then it kicks in.

Champion: When did it kick in with me?

Sadiyah: for me, the culmination of you and Lima bean (my niece)being sick at the same time and you being so far away is what made hit my wall.  And just feel tired.

Champion:  wow!  That's a lot on your plate.  So any tips for care givers?

Sadiyah:  Yes! eliminate some of your own stress, and stressors.
              2. Put your own mask on first.  Also known as take care of you.
              3. You don't always have to be physically present.
              4. Books took too long to get through the binder was much more helpful.

Champion:  what about tips for champions?

Sadiyah:  1.  Recognize the stress in your helpers life.
                2. Reassure helpers that it will be ok if they can't do something.  Let them know you have other support.
                3.  Maintain some normal.
                4. Straight from the horses mouth is better.
                5.  She didn't say this but-  never ask one spouse to keep it secret from the       other.  Lol

Champion: So has my diagnosis changed you in any way?

Sadiyah:  it made mortality close.  I have never been afraid of death but this made me think about the "what if" I get cancer or die which I never did before.  It makes you think about your own expectation date.  I wonder if I would do chemo? I don't think I would- I think I would live like crazy then be done.  I would do the surgery then live, but I think having to be still that long (Chemotherapy and radiation) would be too much for me.

Champion: wow, I had never thought of it that way.  So you would do the surgery and then fight the cancer mono Y mono no chemo or radiation?

Sadiyah:  yep.

Champion: Wow!  Thanks for doing this for me.

Sadiyah: Your welcome.

The end.

Ceara's Journey:A daughters\ young woman's journey

 Hello blog walkers,      
As promised in the last post, I am posting the first of the series off talks with my support/care givers.    You know I am committed to this procees and their aree levels to this blogging thing when I am sitting in one of the greatest wing shops eating salad, celery and carrots while I edit this post!  Hope you enjoy it, it came at the sacrifice of missing a few good wings!  This post may not be suitable for the young or immature as it includes real talk about emotions and the term boob.  Feedback and comments welcomed.
             

Champion:  what happened when you heard theses three words,  I have cancer?  

Ceara:  It was so totally unexpected , I mean I came home expecting it to be like the last surgery, where they just removed a mass and you were ok, but instead, you were missing a boob and you had cancer.  I was so overwhelmed and in shock!   What was most difficult to deal with wasn't the cancer it was that after seeing the tubes and bandaging it was obvious you had been in pain and I wasn't there. That and he struggle that I knew was going to come with the cancer.  

Champion:  laugh out loud.

 Ceara: Mom! That's not funny!

Champion:  I know, I'm not laughing at you. Or the cancer,  I'm laughing at your phrasing and plus you know I have that laughing disorder.  But you are. Right cancer is not funny.

Ceara: no and it's ticking me off.

Champion:  so how did you deal with the shock and transition to the brat who pesters me about drinking water and the rock who picks up prescriptions and drives me to chemo when I can't do those things?

Ceara:  my instincts just kicked in.  So even when I wasn't or am not ok I still can help you and deal with those things latter.

Champion:  Is it often you aren't ok?  And what types of things aren't you ok with?

Ceara:  not anymore.  Going into appointments or  being in the cancer center was difficult.  You see so many stages of cancer and it made me worry about you getting there, plus I would think about other patients family. And I always feel for other peoples pain so it was hard.  

Champion:  that's true you are definitely emphatic.  So, has my diagnosis changed you?

Ceara:  obviously!   (Said in that tone that only twenty something's can master.)

Champion: so?

Ceara:  I am more aware of cancer as a disease.  I mean it seems like every time I turn around I seeing something about cancer.  I also think I am more appreciative of our close relationship.  But that also intensifies things for me  because we are really close.  What really freaked me out was thinking about what would happen to me if something happened to you.  I don't have anyone else like you.  It builds a connection between me and other people who have or had a sick parent too, not just with cancer but any illness.  Plus I'm so used to being the sick one in our relationship so it was hard to see or accept you in that position.  I have started to prioritize more like an adult than a college student now.  It also made me less oblivious to stuff like parents can die before you. 

Champion:  that's the way it's supposed to go right?

Ceara: yeah I guess, but they can go before you are ready and before you go through the stuff  they are supposed to be there to see.  " mom" you can't die before I get married cause I only have one parent so I need you there." 

Champion:  I don't plan on checking out anytime soon Ceara 

Ceara:  good, cause if you do I'm going to spit on your grave.   (Chuckle)

Champion:   Wow! And if you do I'm going to grab your foot and pull you in the grave (chuckle)

Ceara:  you won't be able to grab my foot as a spirit.

Champion:  you don't know what I will be able to do so...

Ceara:  for real mom you can't die cause I will need you there.  No one loves me like you do.  

Champion:  of course not I'm your mom punk.  But you will be taken care of.  (My family and friends would never let this statement be untrue.   When I pass at  whatever age, from whatever cause I know they will look out for my baby girl)

Ceara: I know I got people, just not like you.

Champion:  so do you have any tips for other daughters or caregivers?

Ceara:  1. Don't minimize your feelings.
             2. Talk to someone, don't try to do it alone.
             3. Just know that the best thing you can do is be there.
      
Champion:  any tips for champions?

Ceara:  yes.  Accept the help that is offered to you, let your loved ones help you.

I hope reading this inside view of the journey of a daughter/ care giver has helped you as much as writing it helped me.  If so please leave comments and thumbs up for Ceara for being brave enough to share her emotions I such a public forum.

These Three Words

Dear Journal,

I'm back.  I actually wrote that in my " journey journal" which I hope to publish one day.   Your book inspiring  pen is going to good use, June.   As I poured the days thoughts, challenges, joys and tribulations  into my journal I was struck by a question that I had pondered for a while.  What is the journey like for care givers.  Having being diagnosed and instantly submerged in the whirl wind also known as fighting the cancer it was easy to see how care givers and support team members can become overwhelmed to the point of breaking.  Between the fear, the stress, the changes, the expenses, and the general emotional upheaval that has gone hand and hand with cancer  care givers have less support, they have less resources for dealing with their questions and fears, and may not feel that they can or should voice their needs as a care giver.  Being my ever curious therapist self I woundered if there were consistencies in the care givers journey.  In my quest for an answer to my questions about the journey of care givers, I enlisted the help of  six of my  support/care givers.  While I had quite a few to chose from, I chose a teenager, my daughter who is in college and could speak from the young adult perspective and also from the child of a champion perspective,  I chose my sister, two old and dear friends who have been through past life changes and health concerns with me and I with them, and a new friend, who has been a steadfast friend and a consistent chemotherapy buddy.  

     I asked each person four questions: 

1. What was its like for you to hear the three words " I have cancer?

2. How did you transition into caregiver?

3. Has my diagnosis changed you? 

4. Do you have any tips for other caregivers?

5. Do you have any tips for cancer champions ?

    I was very surprised by the similarities and differences in their responses.  But most of all in was greatful for the wisdom I was able to gain from their openness and willingness to share this experience with me.  I hope the enlighten and encourage you as much as they do me.  I share with you my flowers (the people who brighten my life) fans.  Because each persons has such a unique journey, my conversation with each of them will be presented as individual post like long a long stem rose.    The first of these post will be Ceara's  Journey.  Thank you again for reading my blog.  Please feel free to share it with others and to leave feedback.

   

It' Just Hair... Part II

Well needless to say I got ko'd by the chemotherapy hence the lack of update during treatment. I woke up at 3 am hungry, and ready to go, only to look at my clock and realize the rest of the work was still asleep so I ate some potato rutabaga and parsnip soup( Ruby-licious) and journaled for a while.  Then did morning meditation  before starting this post.   I did make it to the second round this time with Floyd should we call it Tyson since it bites lol.  I was proud of that since, I usually am asleep  after the first  five or so minutes of pre meds which consist if a cocktail of antihistamine, steroids, antacids, and anti-nausea meds (now that is group therapy, just kidding).  In any event I managed to stay awake and chat with my new chemo buddy who is awesome by the way (she is definitely a blessing and a polishing cloth for me, I am learning things I thought I knew from building a friendship with her)through the premeds although I'm not quit sure how lucid the conversation was but I enjoyed it.  Since I plan to do post later about cancer form the caregivers and loved ones perspective you may hear about her version of this  conversation latter.
Treatment day recap:
So I was ahead of pace most of the morning, so much so I even managed to sneak I. My 9th attempt at making home made brownies, they are winning!  I can't seem to get them right .  They are either too thin, fall apart dry, gritty, salty lol, or just burnt. I have tried five recipes and two recommended adaptions on said recipes with little success, but I digress.  The morning went well I got all the pre treatment stuff done, made it to the post office and mailed off a cee package to my baby girl, got the groceries, gas, and mailed out the bills.  I made it back home with an hour and a half to spare thus the brownie attempt.  My ride to treatment showed up at quarter to twelve baring gifts of health food and determination.  We both learned las week that treatment on an empty stomach is a BAD plan!  I recommend eating at least an hour before tx and if it's later in the day like mine, don't skip breakfast or snack.  She showed up armed with potato soup , cabbage, pinto beans, corn need, and a load of zucchini bread( all onion free).  She came early with the plan to ensue I ate before treatment. While, she doesn't have to, she chooses to bless me with her kindness, and I am truly greatful.
By 11:00 we were on the road heading to the cancer center.  I checked in 1 at 12:35!  And it went a little something like this:
12:26 registration
12:32 numb port
12:38 labs where we joked about the last attempts to get usable blood from me as they manually warmed my fingers in an attempt to stimulate good blood flow before the stick. Can you imagine if I were diabetic too?  Shivers and gasp.
12:50 back in the waiting room
12:55 paged to PA the nurse tech comes to get me, she takes my vitals which are good and then takes me to the med room to meet with the nurse and PA.
1:10 meet with nurse go over medicines and complaint s such as pain etc. none this week.
1:20 meet with Lindsey/PA.  We talk about symptoms and the possible need to add an addition medicine to my pharmacy. We also discussed the we've problematic anemia and low white blood cells.  White blood cells are vital because they fight off infection.  So I have do do more crowd control and sanitizing (mike j mask it is) this week.  Physical went well no suspicious bumps lumps or rashes and no mouth sores this week.
1:50 paged to transfusion while in the PA office
1:54 arrive in transfusion center
1:56 lines in
2:00 pre meds going
2:30 chemotherapy meds going
?:00 lights out
3:50 wake up by nurse-D lines out
4:00 on the road again
4:50 home sweet home
5:30 nite-nite as niece would say
Thanks for joining me on this ride
Along.  It hope it helps you understand the experience tied
to chemotherapy and hair loss a little better.  I'm thinking about getting a button that says I smile and brake for bald heads! For tx days, what do you think.? Too much?

Latter days ;).