A good man is hard to find, and even harder to accept.

He met me like this.

He was my friend through this and more!

He laughed at my stripper wig and even helped me come up with a stage name.

I confess that I'm am guilty of whining about wanting a good man and not being able to find one.  I also confess to having been foolish enough to let several good men pass me by because I was looking at " the bad boy" " the pretty boy" " the popular boy"  " the educated man" and " the professional man". Now, don't take that to mean I get around because I definitely do not.  However, I have kissed my share of frogs looking for my Prince Charming.  Strangely, it took a life threatening illness, and the complete leavening of my life and all I held dear for me to recognize a good man.  He had been there for a year before I recognized him for what he was.  You see I never kissed this frog to turn him into a prince.  He met me as a prince, wearing the cloak of friendship.  He was the guy who called to check of me when I was sick, who took me out when I wasn't, how took off work to help me move, was willing to take off work to take me to chemotherapy, when to breakfast with me when we weren't sure it would stay down, offered to share hair products, shave my head, and held my hand even when I was bald, jokes about my new JJJ boobs and gets my stripper jokes.  Because I had met so many frogs and wolfs pretending to be frogs, I didn't trust my vision when it came to seeing a good man.  To be honest I am still a little afraid of it.  But IDE died that if I can face cancer and he is brave enough to face it with me as my friend, I would be Stupid to not kiss one more because he doesn't have warts or look like the other frogs I kissed.  I have been a lot of things, but stupid was never one.  I have my post treatment   " you are in remission" scans on Monday and hopefully I will be learned to return to work after being on medical leave for over a year.  I still have some healing to do and two more surgeries before I am at my physical new normal, but I'm getting there.  The rest of my new normal well, I'm still reading what God is writing about that. But I HOPE it includes the good man who was willing to just be a good friend until I was ready to see him as more.  







Be strong champions, journey on!

Zen zealot for a "Job" moment

8/22/13

The day that changed my life forever!  To fully appreciate this statement, you need the backstory.  Those of us who grew up in bible school or Awana camps know the story of Job.  He was a faithful man who was offered for testing by God.  Job was tested in every way.  He lost his children, wealth, and health, but remained faithful.  I have had many blessings throughout my life,  I  had the privaledge of earning my doctorate degree in counseling psychology, I was blessed to become a mother,  I earned a licenses in counseling and love what I do,  I have been in love and loved.  All that said I have also had my "Job moments". In 2012 I started a new job with guilford county and 39 days later I was hospitalized for severe anemia (3) normal is 12.  Three days and blood transfusions later I was back home with a ton of follow-up appoints with various specialist.  By August 1, 2013 I felt my "Job moments" were finally ending (3 surgeries 4 transfusions,  two diagnoses, a break-up, a major llness for a sister by another mother).  My only complaint were bruises with one strange bruise on my upper right ribs.  After many jokes about how I was getting this strange bruise,  I decided to show it to my  surgeon at my return to work follow-up appointment.
Then on 8/22/13 while at work, I got the fateful phone call that changed my life un like anything else in my life.  Since that phone call, I have spent more time at hospitals and with doctors than I have in my entire life.  I have also spent more time seeking life balance and tranquility than ever before.  I have had the blessing of finding great support from foundations like Alight foundation,  Healing Arts, Look good feel better, and Hirsch Wellness.  I have learned to meditate,  started a garden, practiced yoga, taken drawing lessons, made jewlery,  mailed postcards from the edge, learned photography, and I am now learning to paint.  Have I found my Zen?  Not yet, but I have found people who understand this journey, friends through thick and thin, I have found quiet moments and joy in the little things.  I am learning to truly embrace the process of life with all of its curves and edges, one step at a time.

I am changing

I spent most of the day outside today..   It's a beautiful sunny day with an occasional breeze.  It also happens to be a holiday weekend, when most people are at  the pool or lake or  cooking up barbecue. But I am a self proclaimed inside woman!  So it was surprising to me when I realized I had spent over seven hours out of doors.   I toured a cemetery, took photos of old barns, and spent quality time with my favorite person in the world.  ; even though we got stalked by a duck after are pizza, lakes just aren't safe anymore). I am changing.  I am learning to enjoy the little things like fresh peaches from the farmers market, growing my own salad on my patio,  baking my own cookies and muffins, and cooking  meals that are both good for me and good to me.  As I look back on this day I appreciate that I could go outside that I could smell the peaches and taste the strawberries,  I guess I'm just grateful for this day.   Time is our most values and wasted resource,  today I used mine wisely.  Please feel free to share how you used yours today.

The attitude of gratitude

My friend donna taught me that people don't necessarily have to be nice to you when taking care of you medically.  Because of this she always went out of her way to be kind to all of her team( housekeeping, nutrition, techs,nurses, doctors, and friends and family).  At the onset of her illness I did not understand her approach.  If I'm completely honest, I have to admit I didn't fully understand it until I had my own team. Kind of like parenting  (you understand your parent better when you parent a mini you).  Suffice it to say, cancer has taught me why she said thank you for everything , injections and blood draws included.  My journey has been a twisted turbulent climb, but my team has been with me and made it not just bearable but at times fun.  So am I grateful for cancer?  Heck no, I'm not that enlightened yet.  But I am grateful for what it has shown me about me and for my team.  Because I have always loved holidays and gifting, I try to do something every quarter for my team. For valentines day I made lollipop bouquets for my team.  For spring, which is officially here dispite mother natures moodiness, I made spring baskets with the little plastic eggs ( filled with gum balls and mini candy bars)  And I made a jelly bean shaker out of a salt shaker for my injection nurse ( small glass salt shaker with a pour out top and I hot glued a pink ribon onto the face of the jar) and filled with jelly beans. Total cost for encouraging my team $8.00 or one wingstop lunch which I don't need anyway (paleo diet).  Return on my investment: smiles, an encouraged team, joyful health care. So if you see doctors,nurses, machines oh my!  Feel free to borrow my ideas if you like.



Do you think it's too much to encourage them?

Do you you have any cool inexpensive encouragement ideas I can borrow?

HOA versus Cancer Survivor

I saw a shocking Facebook post this week, that motivated this post.  A breast cancer survivor posted that she was being forced to take down a breast cancer ribbon posted on her door.  She reported the HOA stance is that her ribbon is a violation of their no decoration ordinance which ensures a pleasant visual astetic for the neighborhood.  I assumed that the multiple comments she received on

her post would have all been supportive.  But we all know what happens when you assume, right?  Imagine my surprise when I saw people who supported the HOA or made back door digs ( everyone wants to live in a neighborhood that looks like a unicorn puked on it).   As a fellow cancer champion I was shocked by the insensitivity, but grateful that I have had the most supportive people in my life along my journey.  When I was diagnosed and encourage to move to a smaller, single story or first floor residence,  my landlord helped me look for a handicap unit in our subdivision and graciously let me terminate my lease early when a unit meeting my needs was not available.   While I miss my 2nd floor condo  and neighbors, I know the move was best for my health.  There have been so many days where I have struggled to manage in a smaller, first floor residence.  On those days when I have been stuck inside I have relied on small things like my pink rubber duck which reminds me of my coworkers or coloring mandalas and baking to help me cope.  I thought about what I would do in her shoes.  Would I take down the ribbon or fight the HOA and cancer at the same time?  I think I would fight the cancer and the HOA.  Survivors are faced with an epic battle which requires all of our strength and any tools we can get to help us cope.  So if a ribbon helped me endure chemotherapy, radiation , or surgery as I fought for my life then I would display it proudly and accept the consequences.  Fight on champion fight on!

 Where have all my white cells gone 


The loss of White Blood Cells has been a constant battle for me since my diagnosis.  Even before my chemotherapy began, there was some concern about my low. WBC count.  However, since the start of treatment in November it has been an uphill climb.  If the count drops below 1500 then I have neutropenia.   I'm currently in moderate neutropenia since I had a neutrophil count of 700.

Neutropenia causes me to be more susceptible to infections and illness.  In this vulnerable state bacteria that we normally carry on our skin and in our bodies can cause infections for me.  Things like staph, or gastrointestinal and urinary tract infections are very common for people like me with neutropenia.  We are also at an increased risk for fungal infections (no mani/ pedi combos for us).  These infections can occur mainly in certain parts of the body, like the mouth, skin, or genital area, or it can enter the bloodstream and infiltrate the lungs, and other organs.

This means several things for my daily life in addition to treatment impact.   The neutropenia means that chemotherapy has to be delayed yet again, thus prolonging chemotherapy again, as the oncologist can't risk further depletion of my WBC  count.  To date I have had four such delays which has extended chemotherapy which began in November to May. In addition to being emotionally and physically taxing the delays causes delays I other treatment and the eventual return to my new normal.

While in this state my oncology team are not only charged with helping me fight the cancer which decided to take up squatter residency in my body, but also with symptom management and treating the underlying issue of low WBC counts.   My wonderful team which includes an awesome oncologist that I have a friend crush on( meaning I really want to be her friend and wish I had met her at a conference rather than in her office). And an incredible PA who I have a professional crush on( I want to be her when I grow up professionally) are diligent in their attention to the disease process and prevention.   They have provide infection control education ( hand washing and sanitizing, mask, and gloves, avoiding large groups and small incubators ( aka children)and avoiding germ swap through physical touch.  They have prescribed antibiotics as a preventative measure against the " big nasty" infections.    They have also prescribe courses of WBC growth factors, the inspiration for the above comic.  My current course of WBC growth factor is delivered in a series of FIVE daily injections which cause bone aches  or the 95 year old syndrome as most of us call it.  It is mediated with heating pads and extra strength Tylenol most of the time but may occasionally require a stronger pain reliever.

Daily life with neutropenia is a different, from daily life or daily life with cancer. When in am neutropenic I have to be hyper vigilant about every aspect of my life.  This usually means I am grounded (reduced exposure to others who may be ill).  It also means that what I can and more importantly can't eat such as raw fruits, vegetables, or sushi.  This also rules out mushrooms because they are a fungi and caesar salad which has raw anchovies in the dressing, who knew?  It means that I am obsessive about germs, no hugs, handshakes, etc.  it means I wipe down everything, I hand sanitize after every touch, when I go out and when I come in to my home.   Company that are allowed over few people wear a mask and so do I.  It means if I go out and about I wear a face mask to protect me from the germs of others.  So I thank all of you with healthy WBC counts , who do not go to the store, mall, or other public places sick, or before you cough without covering  your mouth.    Remember you never know when you may be next to someone without the WBC count to fight infection.

Ruby's Journey: "A Ruth Friend"

Ruby has become an instant friend and trusted confidant for me over the past two months.  I am often amazed by how similar our lives and personalities are.  Though we met several years ago at my daughters graduation, we only recently became friends.  Life has a strange way of bringing you what you need when you need it.  Life knew I would need a level headed, humorous, speed racing,  friend when Ceara went abroad, so it gave me Ruby!  Thank you life!!!!!!!  

Champion: my  first question is how did you respond when you heard, I have cancer?

Ruby:  When Ceara told me you had cancer she teared up and I had never seen her cry. So my first reaction was for her .  I felt like, you poor child, so I just embraced her, and let her talk and just tried to encourage her.  I also thought my gosh how much more can you take cause I knew you had already been through a lot .  My first reaction was shock then I felt overwhelmed for you guys, cause I felt like you guys had to be overwhelmed.  Especially Ceara, cause  I knew she was already worried about not being able to be there for you fully because of school.  I felt like how could something else different have happened to you.  

But that was my reaction.  What else did you need to know?

Champion.  I also reacted first to Ceara, and with shock.  I remember thinking I just dropped Ceara off at school how is she going to handle this.  So I'm very courteous about how people transition from their first reaction to caregiver.  Because some people can make the transition some people just can not and they just kind if disappear.  

Ruby:  I'm a nurturer by nature, so when I found out Ceara was going to Costa Rica I  said to her let your mom know if there is something I can do, let me know.  Then when she left I reached out to her and said I mean this let me know what I can do, and she said  I know there is something so let me ask my mom.  But I wasn't having any problems for myself cause I'm medically inclined my self. My concern was for you and for Ceara .  

Champion:  any tips you would give a caregiver? 

Ruby:  serve in the way that is most natural for you.  Like I'm a cooker so that's why I bring you food.  

 Champion:   Ruby has shared with me  many times devotional a and reminded me to eat when I forgot, and helped me with getting port bandages off  and open honey packets like it was when the nerve neuropathy numbed my fingers making it difficult.  My tip to champions based on what I have learned from my friendship with Ruby is to take the help when you need it.